good?

A broken foot, an out of control house, letters from the city saying the old mattress in my dump trailer is a public nuisance and I will be fined unless I remove it forth with, despite the trailer having a flat tire and the ground being covered in ice and snow.

But K and I have had the last two Friday nights out together, and she initiated it both times.

So maybe life isn't completely shitty.

...

I think I'm better now. Or maybe just more numb. Anyway where I am now is better than the soul wrenching uncertain pain that I felt a few days ago. Today I can see the sun.

falling

I feel so desperately sad. Nothing really happened except for a holiday. It just feels like I am SO alone. So empty. I find my self questioning my own existance and if I really want to exist. Then I kick myself in the ass for even going there.

I'm tired of being brave. I'm tired of trying so hard and never getting anywhere. I'm tired of false hope, and wondering if it is false. I'm tired of love I hear but can't feel. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in the way. I'm tired of being pitiful. I'm tired of having one setback after another.

I'm just so damn tired.

But I'll be okay, because anything else is inconvenient.

growth and pruning

I got my hair cut today, by about 7 inches..I feel lighter somehow.

I've decided to try to become a more positive person. I've also decided to shine my sink every night before bed. It's nice to wake up to a shiny sink, knowing i could make coffee, if I wasn't out.

I've gone back and forth about selling this place and moving. I think what I'd really like to do is put a bigger place on this lot. I kinda looked into it and it's all do able, except the financing part ~sigh~ So that means it's really not do able at all. If I were to sell it as is I'd get nothing for the house - single wide mobile homes are apparently a negative. But if I could put a larger one on the value of this place doubles at least. A fifty to sixty k investment could increase the value by over 100 k. Too bad. Maybe someday,I'll keep looking at options. I really NEED a bigger house and I think I like Bend for now..no matter what happens with K and I.

I applied for 3 jobs..I hope one comes through, it might make my dreams become a little closer.

Priorities

I need to play with my dogs more, and snuggle my cats. My loyal babies are always wanting to play or snuggle at times I deem inconvenient, so they get scolded and pushed away. It takes no time and little energy to throw Abby's rubber bone across the room for her to fetch and based on the wiggles it thrills her puppy heart to the core. And when Scrappy walks across my keyboard to head butt me, instead of tossing him on the floor, it's easy to take a moment to snuggle him. These guys are the ones who are always there for me, despite the fact that i ignore them too much. I'm selfish when it comes to them. I take their comfort and affection when I want it, but don't give them the paitence and time I should....

I'm going to try harder to appreciate the small wonders in my life instead of wallowing in the things that depress me.

Why do chicken's have to be caged to lay eggs? No more Wendy's for me!

empty heart syndrome

My girls go back to Arizona tomorrow. I'm getting so tired of goodbyes and heartaches. this house is too quiet and empty tonight. On a hopeful note, I take the first step Friday towards possibly having one I can keep.