Swimmers arrived late but still in time. I'm hoping the stick will turn blue tomorrow or Wed. This is actually happening...I'm scared to death.

Well..the baby process is underway. Ordered the little swimmers to arrive Thursday or Friday. Started Clomid yesterday, which means I'm weepy and hyper sensitive. Will start OPKs tomorrow. I'm hoping for lots of baby dust, but trying not to hope too much.

I do find my self daydreaming about twins or triplets, but I know I'll struggle enough to raise one alone...can't imagine trying to feed 3 at a time!

tomboy dogs and princess pups

I got Christmas bows for the Maggie pup. After wrestling her to the ground and getting one in the fur above her ear, she looked adorable...for about 5 minutes. She started wrestling with Abby and there went the bow.

Sadie comes to me wanting bows and pretty things put on, but her hair is so short nothing will attach very well. She does seem to love her new pink "Lover Girl" bandana, she prances around quite proudly.

I'm beginning to see that Maggie is so NOT a girly dog, while Sadie is a princess, Abby I think falls in the middle. Unfortunatly the only one with long enough hair is the one who hates being fussed with. Weird how dogs can be tomboys or princesses. Weird how I notice these things...

good?

A broken foot, an out of control house, letters from the city saying the old mattress in my dump trailer is a public nuisance and I will be fined unless I remove it forth with, despite the trailer having a flat tire and the ground being covered in ice and snow.

But K and I have had the last two Friday nights out together, and she initiated it both times.

So maybe life isn't completely shitty.

...

I think I'm better now. Or maybe just more numb. Anyway where I am now is better than the soul wrenching uncertain pain that I felt a few days ago. Today I can see the sun.

falling

I feel so desperately sad. Nothing really happened except for a holiday. It just feels like I am SO alone. So empty. I find my self questioning my own existance and if I really want to exist. Then I kick myself in the ass for even going there.

I'm tired of being brave. I'm tired of trying so hard and never getting anywhere. I'm tired of false hope, and wondering if it is false. I'm tired of love I hear but can't feel. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in the way. I'm tired of being pitiful. I'm tired of having one setback after another.

I'm just so damn tired.

But I'll be okay, because anything else is inconvenient.

growth and pruning

I got my hair cut today, by about 7 inches..I feel lighter somehow.

I've decided to try to become a more positive person. I've also decided to shine my sink every night before bed. It's nice to wake up to a shiny sink, knowing i could make coffee, if I wasn't out.

I've gone back and forth about selling this place and moving. I think what I'd really like to do is put a bigger place on this lot. I kinda looked into it and it's all do able, except the financing part ~sigh~ So that means it's really not do able at all. If I were to sell it as is I'd get nothing for the house - single wide mobile homes are apparently a negative. But if I could put a larger one on the value of this place doubles at least. A fifty to sixty k investment could increase the value by over 100 k. Too bad. Maybe someday,I'll keep looking at options. I really NEED a bigger house and I think I like Bend for now..no matter what happens with K and I.

I applied for 3 jobs..I hope one comes through, it might make my dreams become a little closer.

Priorities

I need to play with my dogs more, and snuggle my cats. My loyal babies are always wanting to play or snuggle at times I deem inconvenient, so they get scolded and pushed away. It takes no time and little energy to throw Abby's rubber bone across the room for her to fetch and based on the wiggles it thrills her puppy heart to the core. And when Scrappy walks across my keyboard to head butt me, instead of tossing him on the floor, it's easy to take a moment to snuggle him. These guys are the ones who are always there for me, despite the fact that i ignore them too much. I'm selfish when it comes to them. I take their comfort and affection when I want it, but don't give them the paitence and time I should....

I'm going to try harder to appreciate the small wonders in my life instead of wallowing in the things that depress me.

Why do chicken's have to be caged to lay eggs? No more Wendy's for me!

empty heart syndrome

My girls go back to Arizona tomorrow. I'm getting so tired of goodbyes and heartaches. this house is too quiet and empty tonight. On a hopeful note, I take the first step Friday towards possibly having one I can keep.

Ciao Maestro

Pavarotti died today. One year ago today my father died. He loved the Three Tenors, I hope they meet up.

I need to stay away from K and the rest for awhile I thik..but I know I won't. I think I'm afraid to play scarce...what if she doen't look for me?

blissful confusion

It's so strange how we're not living together anymore, but act like a happy, in love couple whenever we're together. And when it's time to go there are tighter hugs and more kisses than there have been in a couple years.

It's very confusing to know when to stay away and when to go over there. She says "you're still family, you don't have to wait to be invited", but I feel I do. I'm so afraid of being seen as hanging around too much - being clingy - yet i want to spend as much time as I can with her. Then there's the part of me that wants to stay away so she'll miss me....make her realize what she left to go live with her crazy family. I think that's the part that gets a little vindictive when I'm hurt...I'm not proud of that part.

I told her this morning, after she said the thing about not waiting to be invited, that she left me and said she needed us to be apart for now and I don't want the rest of them to start feeling sorry for her, thinking I won't leave her alone. I know.. who cares what other people think...unfortunately I do. I never go over unless she invites me. Which right now is happening almost daily. It's so strange and confusing listening to them make plans and not knowing if I'm included or not, and not wanting to make any assumptions.

Like today, K and her mom were wanting a nap. Her Mom went inside to lie down and K looked at me and said "I don't want to tell you to go, but I need to lie down. You could stay and play on the computer or something." I told her i was sleepy too and would probably take a nap when i got home. All the while feeling awkward and on the verge of tears. She offered her brother's room (she's sharing a room with her mom) I told her I felt weird about that and she didn't understand why. She told me to follow her into the house and we continued our talk in the hallway - she still suggesting her brother's room, and me still trying to explain why I was uncomfortable. She said "well i would tell you to come in with me but my bed is so small" which I understood, so I, half (okay 1/8) joking, suggested we both lie down in her brothers bed. She kinda balked saying her Mom's room was darker and cooler, so I told her I'd just go. She then wanted to know if I was going to come back later. It was obvious she was feeling really torn and guilty because she knew it was awkward and confusing for me. I finally hugged her and told her to call me later after she woke up and let me know what was going on. I walked out the front door, feeling hurt and a little mad..don't know why. Before I made it off the porch she called out the window "Come back in lay with me in my bed" I called back "there's no room" she said there was and to come on. So, like a pitiful mouse, I did. By this time i was feeling so confused that I was biting my lip trying to stay composed. when we laid down she put her arms around me and the dam broke. I tried to shield my face from view but she pulled my hand away and asked what was wrong, I told her it was just so confusing. her reply: "I'm sorry"

I hate feeling pushed away with one hand and pulled close with the other, yet it hurts so much and is so lonely here at home alone. I guess I have to figure out which hurts more.....

here we go again

well here it is. I decided with all the changes going on I should have a place to record my journy even if just for myself.