Less

I'm slowly gaining focus, and with it some hope. I think I'm going to try to become Somebody.

I found out I can take the parapro test to make up for the schooling I lack and meet Title 1/ NCLB requirements to be an Educational Assistant for both regular and specialized programs. I'm pretty sure I can score at least the 455 required. Problem is that unless my district is part of the internet testing approved group, I have to wait till June to take it and will probably have to go to Portland.

I think maybe changing direction and trying to find something for myself might be what I need right now. I'll have less time to focus on all the pain.

Still

Songs are going through my head, my feeling are coming out as plagerized lyrics...

(credit to Natalie U)

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and
I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now, I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn

broken

(credit to Patty Smyth)

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

BFN

Negative, nien, no bambino this month.

In other words, I'm still not a mommy any time soon.
Trying again this month...maybe I'm just too old.