Less

I'm slowly gaining focus, and with it some hope. I think I'm going to try to become Somebody.

I found out I can take the parapro test to make up for the schooling I lack and meet Title 1/ NCLB requirements to be an Educational Assistant for both regular and specialized programs. I'm pretty sure I can score at least the 455 required. Problem is that unless my district is part of the internet testing approved group, I have to wait till June to take it and will probably have to go to Portland.

I think maybe changing direction and trying to find something for myself might be what I need right now. I'll have less time to focus on all the pain.

Still

Songs are going through my head, my feeling are coming out as plagerized lyrics...

(credit to Natalie U)

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and
I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now, I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn

broken

(credit to Patty Smyth)

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

BFN

Negative, nien, no bambino this month.

In other words, I'm still not a mommy any time soon.
Trying again this month...maybe I'm just too old.

Swimmers arrived late but still in time. I'm hoping the stick will turn blue tomorrow or Wed. This is actually happening...I'm scared to death.

Well..the baby process is underway. Ordered the little swimmers to arrive Thursday or Friday. Started Clomid yesterday, which means I'm weepy and hyper sensitive. Will start OPKs tomorrow. I'm hoping for lots of baby dust, but trying not to hope too much.

I do find my self daydreaming about twins or triplets, but I know I'll struggle enough to raise one alone...can't imagine trying to feed 3 at a time!

tomboy dogs and princess pups

I got Christmas bows for the Maggie pup. After wrestling her to the ground and getting one in the fur above her ear, she looked adorable...for about 5 minutes. She started wrestling with Abby and there went the bow.

Sadie comes to me wanting bows and pretty things put on, but her hair is so short nothing will attach very well. She does seem to love her new pink "Lover Girl" bandana, she prances around quite proudly.

I'm beginning to see that Maggie is so NOT a girly dog, while Sadie is a princess, Abby I think falls in the middle. Unfortunatly the only one with long enough hair is the one who hates being fussed with. Weird how dogs can be tomboys or princesses. Weird how I notice these things...